The earth knows we are here; it called us by name. She knows we are on her surface; every lesson I took happened in the hollow of her hand; and we share these lessons every night as I try to drift from this head.
My God knew what I did; I accept the facts of what I did.
I started to ask myself as I came face to face with me. Why did I survive this? I could not even add up in my head how many times I should be – dead.
I journey through my times of desperation and fact. I lie on my bed and hear the earth beneath me; you were meant to survive it… my God sends back.
My past mistakes are meant to guide me; not define who I am. Anyone can know – the point is to understand. Sooner or later you’re gonna realize just like I did. There’s a difference between knowing the path; and walking that bitch.
I learnt the hard way that I cannot always bank on people to respect me, consider my “feelings” even if I respect theirs. Being a “good person” or even a “proper criminal” doesn’t guarantee that others will be good to you.
And money? You can forget about that. There are no friends or family when it comes to money; especially their money.
You only have control over yourself and how you chose to be as a person. Science is only going to carry you so far; the rest of all that, my reader, that’s God. All things share the same breath. The beast, the tree, the man, the air shares it’s Spirit with all life it supports; and that is my Spirit.
Some hard-core facts—I don’t even like to say them—it still hurts. I have been exposed to drugs and addicts since I was three years old. Of all the education I took, addiction was the one I excelled at. Hands down I am the best junkie there is.
I got so good, that even today, everywhere I go, every picture I look at, if they are using, I can smell it. I can even smell your flavor: Opiates, Heroin, Meth, or even Cocaine.
Also, I saw everywhere I looked, a whole society of my own people not giving a shit.
How am I going to man the borders of my sobriety? How am I going to man the borders of myself? I had no clue who self was; I knew I had survived.
Socrates said it best! “Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.” I mean, could it really be me that was the problem? And I needed to take the time to listen; to do it in the right state of mind.
Understand early that the act of forgiveness rarely has anything to do with the other person and everything to do with you. Forgive yourself. Forgive your people. Grieve daily if you have to. It’s okay, I do it all the time. Just let go. It’s not a sign of weakness; some might say it’s weakness leaving your body.
I also want you to remember, Buddha was not a Buddhist. Jesus was not Christian. Muhammad was not Muslin. They were teachers who taught love. Love was their religion.
I was angry, I had hate. And I came up on angry people who hated me. I will tell you the words of Chief Red Eagle: “Angry people want you to see how powerful they are. Loving people want you to see how powerful you are.” You pay acute attention to those types of people, because what you allow will continue.
The hating of yourself for what you did; anger in what you had to do. What you saw – how you got through. Pain is part of that journey. It gets better with time. Taking a season or seasons of self-reflection is a journey worth taking–you are worth it. Stay out of your comfort zone–nothing good for you comes from there.
What I do today may not be text-book guide for recovery. But this is my recovery, and in my recovery, I found a new calling. Some might even call this kind of calling, higher. What I did, was I decided that I personally would change my people, places and things… I helped create them, didn’t I?
The things you become passionate about are not random, they are your calling; I’d rather be freak then fake any day of the week – I’m use to it at this point.